Holding forth

I have been longing to write since forever. I forgot when was the last time I feel comfortable to write, and that is the problem I am facing for a couple of months since March (and still am coping with it). Whenever I have the urge to write, I'll be blanked the minute I open the dashboard to start scribbling. Often I feel like I have too many things to write, but end up not writing anything because there are too many things to spill.

I am clueless of the misery that I felt and this would make me wonder do I really know who I am at this age, of early adulthood, at 22? What do I really want from myself? A relationship? A handsome face? More money? Best friends? Am I happy? These kinda questions would pop and I could not quite figure out how relevant it is, for each question, to be answered with a certain set of response from myself.

If anyone would ever ask what kinda person I am, I would take a long deep breathe without answering the question. How can I put a single word to describe myself, I don't think I am able to do that.

I am way complicated, a mess, often misunderstood, and my mind doesn't work in one way. I'll be thinking about ten things whilst reasoning for another ten little things. I am always, most of the time, my biggest critic, and whenever I was defeated by own insecurity, I'll be devastated. I'm a loner, and occasionally lonely, but that state of being, often, is my choice.

I don't expect myself to explain what kinda a person I am to anyone because I couldn't be bothered. Let alone I have myself to care, for myself.

The best answer would be the cliche line moronic over thinker like me would use; I'm just complicated, way pass complicated for another human being to be understood (referring to the question in paragraph three).

I wish I could create a journey to find myself like any of my favorite writers did. My thinking line is way ahead of other people at my age. And this would be one of other many reasons why I would stick to myself having a monogamous odd relation with my own mental drama, instead of chasing pretty girls or participate in a nonfictional relationship.

This is my life, my story, where the full right is given to me, to take full responsibility for what already happened, is happening, and will be happening.

Where do I go? From this?

A compulsory break for internet boy

Dear Internet,

(Haha) it's very irony when I decided to leave the virtual world momentarily, everything starts to fall nicely to its place. I am assuming (which might be very accurate) that I actually need this break, like for real need it.

I found myself separating what is unimportant from what is needed to be prioritized and to be honest, I've become more calm and relevant (for a night at least). I woke up today, feeling slightly at ease. To be able to wake up with such feeling during this hell week, it is amazing.

Maybe, this occurrence isn't a trial phase, of which I should be doing when I am too preoccupied with school work. Maybe, I should rethink about the amount of time I spend online and my reliance on the internet, emotionally and physically even. This might be a realization of how harmful internet can be. To think again, I think internet is a bad thing, I need to get a life (lol).

Dear self,

Is it really necessary to check on your facebook every now and then, to the point of taking too much of your personal time doing other important things, like participating in LIFE?

Is it really an obligatory act to tweet for every feeling you feel and reply to unimportant mentions when you are in the middle of completing something educational, like engaging in lectures or school works?

Is it really compulsory to post a photo on instagram and go through every single photos of other instagrammers when you think you have nothing to do.

What about flip through a book, your used to be favorite book(s) instead of browsing through some mindless newsfeed and timeline.

You are better than this, better than you think you are. Life goes on and stops for no one. Stop feeling remorseful when you have lack of rest and didn't do well on a test cause you overly spent the time with internet. Participate in life and take in charge of this virtual world. Don't let it control you, control them instead.

Life is better when you notice the small things you haven't feel and see when you are too busy online. 

Hahaha. I should get an A for this reflection, out of my own guilty conscience. Till then..

(But still, internet is also good, in a way) (there is a way) (I will make a way for it to be good) (Hahahaha)

Taking a break

Dear Internet,

I'm probably going to take a break from having any social media contact (even if I slipped, maybe only a little). And this is due to the dedication that I want to prove to myself, I really am serious about my research project (hahaha). To the point, I don't want to make social media as an escapism for doing something far more important. Social media is a nice place to be, but not to live.

When I wrote social media, this would include a momentary break from blog (maybe), facebook (maybe), twitter (maybe) and instagram (maybe). I think I need to be strict with my own conscience and be more serious (?). Ha ha ha ha

If you people may ask me why, I can't be bothered to explain. It is too educational, people might get bored. Till then, wish me luck! I need all the blessing to finish this. Till then...

Expectation kills

Dear blog,

I feel much better even before the beginning of the week, maybe for having the quality time at home during holiday did ease whatever ugly feelings. Yesterday's post, describing the possible numbness with "starting over" term was only to recount what I used to feel in the past few weeks way before the holiday. Besides, my intention after all is to set up a continuous chronicle detail of my own way confronting this issue (in trusting "starting over" term) with myself. I hope people understand what I am trying to convey, I know I do.

So how did I pick up myself back from falling right into the total numbness of feeling nothing to start over and move on?

Like I always did, I temporarily keep myself in silence mode, focusing on the troubled thoughts. Selecting whatever appropriate thinking and filtering the causes of all the problems, refining one by one the tangled introspection, finding what is really my problem?

Expectation.

Expectation is the root of all heartache.

At 3 AM I was lying in bed, awake, thinking. Actually, thinking is too generous a word for what I was doing. I was perseverating.

I want to be the best, like everyone else. I want to achieve more and lead a happy life. I plan and keep on planning for myself. And sometimes I get too carried away, even interrupting important work to do so. My mental work of constructing plan and wanting to achieve the best is very organized and work fine for me. But then, in aiming what is good for me, I started to build up these expectations on myself. To get married before the time is running out, to settle down somewhere I wish before 30s, and so much more (only an example).

Expectations started to accumulate. And failures on some part of the plan make it worst. I am now in the state of drowning, almost chocking and running out of air, trying to reorganize the plan and at the same time attempting to heal the devastated effects of some failures with the plan. I get overwhelmed and eventually give up.

That give up moment was the moment when everything collided, and the positivity gone. This is as I realized, I am skeptical on starting over.

I'm embarrassed about this. I'm supposed to be efficient and productive cause I know I am able to go through this. I'm supposed to be confident but there I was, wasting time, whining in blog, trying hard to help myself. This is not who I want to be. I am stuck, alone and lonely in my own expectation.

But, clearly, it is who I am. As much as I would like to deny it, I am often very hard on myself and always dread unnecessary expectation to bother me so much. What to do?

Starting over numbness

I'm ready I'm ready I'm ready to believe...

 Dear self,

Probably one day I will come back and read this letter, I don't know.

I am so sick of being too hard on myself and this time I decided to be soft and reveal without obligation the long overdue sadness that clogged within me, on and off, almost forever, the same old matters circulated, sometimes faded and sometimes brighten.

Dear blog,

That was written in last two days. It is true as mentioned by a friend of mine in Twitter, if you write something, never delete, even if it was rotten in draft section, let it be. My initial plan was to write a letter to myself but then I dozed off (in sadness) (with my face on macbook). I am that sad (but I'm okay).

Moving on, starting over, reinvention or whatever terms I used as remark to announce the beginning of other hundred beginnings, it revolves on the same principle, hope and expectation. I just want my freaking life back; I aim to be happy, able to enjoy life like I used to be, accept trials and obstacles with open heart, and be appreciative and contented with what I already had.

I think I am starting to feel tired of this self ritual, thinking I can't never make it and forever will be in starting over phase, and I am soon will be the desperate and pathetic blogger who whine a lot (in blog, about life in general) and never happy.

Maybe I already reached to a point where I am actually giving up on myself without realizing. I am having an issue trusting this "starting over" term. I'm numb with my feelings and emotions, could be? And trust me, I don't want that to happen to me.

Ugly Brian doing his thing

Dear blog,

There is nothing really interesting to be told today except I spend my evening in shopping mall getting rid of my old internet service and changed to a new one. Life is better with new net and let's hope it stays this way. I don't want to be miserable again having to deal with poor internet connection.

Today my aunt from my mum's side came over for a regular visit and I spent an hour starving in my room, too nervous to go out and having to make a normal social encounter. I gave up eventually when another guest coming from god knows where. Trying my best to look decent right from the bed, I did what I always do, giving my best smile and not saying anything. Thank god it was always people who try to start the conversation. I'm slowly comfortable and trying to chip in elderly conversation while having my breakfast. All was well except for a few unnoticed effort from myself (but I'm okay).

You know what is interesting when you meet people who doesn't see you for so long? You will (not always but most of the time) get a genuine comments of the way you look like. I never failed to impress people who meet me infrequently commenting on my face, or the way I look like generally, different from the last time they saw me. This time my aunt think I slightly gained weight and look more "round". She even wrapped up her comment with a polite praise, "which make me look even cuter." I don't know whether that was a good thing or bad, but I assumed I look better than before.

Yeah, I gained weight and I look very different from the last time they saw me (which was before I went off to New Zealand). I went through all the photos in fact two days ago, all the photos right from day one I step foot in New Zealand. This is the moment we all familiar with; the moment which we feel why do we look uglier last year or back then (comparing to current us)? I am no doubt look very ugly, like I think I always do.

I remembered the time when people told me how skinny I look, especially my sickly face and my small arms. They (face and arms) make me look like a sick child. I hope they don't make me look like that anymore. With the oily face, uneven skin colored and skinny frame, how can I not feeling bad about my appearance, myself? I always do (even until today). But one thing for sure, I felt like I was happier back then. And going through the latest photos of myself I think I should be grateful, grateful to god for making me growing up at least better than before, physically.

Speaking of whatever issues related to body image, self confident and self esteem, I always feel that these issues are everybody's business. It isn't only girls who feel insecure, I think guys do too. They (guys) just keep to themselves a lot, cause maybe talking about it make them appeared weak in our society (which is not surprising for me) considering the fact that we are bound to live with society which rich with stereotypical role of sexes. Well I don't give a damn about it. I still feel insecure regardless of my gender.

I still don't consider myself look good or should I write good looking (a word that makes me feel like it is too strong to put in one sentence while describing myself), but an assuring comment(s) from outsiders do give me at least bits of confidence to have the courage to go out in public or put a photo of myself in social media even. I don't know which standard of good looking should I follow or aim but really, I don't give a damn. At the first place, why do I have to look good? I am so used to feel normal or worst with the way I look until I sometimes immune to it (negative comments). I don't want to be superficial by keep arguing with myself to be good looking, cause people who judge us badly by the way we look, the way we dressed are superficial and shallow indeed. Not everyone born perfect you know.

The root of all the madness

Dear blog,

It has been four months since I left New Zealand, mind you I don't count. But I just get this idea of which I am trying to relate for what I am going through. It hasn't been good. I am struggling, like I already expected even before I reached Malaysia.

It has been four months of constant battle, with no one but myself. I am adjusting, coping and keep trying but everything was like pulling back and forth, staying at the same place. The motion of moving is only an illusion. People thought I move on, but really I am not. Even I don't realize it until last week it started to hit me when people asked me, at one of many wedding receptions I had to attend upon holiday season.

Put the blame on me, it's okay but please don't say that I am not trying. See what had I wrote for couple months back then. That was when I clung to this blog as one of my emotional fortress. Maybe because of the internet issues combined with bad time management I could no longer grip with the pace and lost the capability of retaining the emotional boundary between the blog and myself.

I do see this coming and seriously hoping it won't last because I am happy that way, in that state of clinging to something (blog) that doesn't live and I know for sure won't disappoint me (writing). Let just confront with this fact; I never move on right from the day one I step my foot in Malaysia in November. For the first time in my life, I'm in denial of which I am not aware of and I hate that fact.

My passed four months was terrible. I was strong for the first month but was slowly defeated in later months. Now at least I figure out the reason I should make a plan how to deal with it. I don't know, coming back blogging and write in English like everyday, so that people cannot be bothered to read in English and give responses because they merely understand of the gist I am trying to say it out loud through writing?

And yes, sometimes I am glad I could write in other language, cause people who don't care at least have reason not to care, for real.